dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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