Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
