my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
