i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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