Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
