tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
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