My underwear smells like fireworks.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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