sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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