I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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