I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I wish you could order shots online.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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