I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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