Umm I'm too high to move.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
