So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
