Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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