I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
we're making bets on your personal life
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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