there's paper in my vomit.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize