Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
