Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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