Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
