i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
