quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
