new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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