My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
not ubering you a puppy
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize