capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
