does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
