It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
