i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
