This house was built for laser tag.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
