I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
