what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
