So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I love how my cats smell like pot.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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