and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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