May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
