Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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