booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Randomize