My sheets look like a crime scene.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
