dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
