Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
