Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
