What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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