dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
