i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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