Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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