I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
When did angry sex become our thing?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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