Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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