so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
