He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
