peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
