He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize