Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
