Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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