so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
