I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
did i walk over a car last night?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
