My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize