I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
