You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
