Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
