New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
so much tequila, so little girl.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
