Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
