i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
