My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
