I haven't been this sober since birth.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
