why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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