that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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