Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize