community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
and you fell through a lawn chair
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
