It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
