I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize