frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
two words: eviction party
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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