You don't have asthma, your pregnant
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
