So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
